Fighting Against Hope

I was proctoring the exam for our geriatrics elective a few days ago and given I had to just sit there for about 2 hours for everyone to finish, I had some time to kill. Luckily I had brought my laptop with me and it was fully charged ( a rarity for me) and I started going through more of the guidebook on our agency's website. I ended up reading an article that talked about this concept, fighting against hope. It was like a lightbulb went off and I realized that is the perfect term to describe a lot of the feelings that go along with our situation.

It does sound a bit weird to say it, not quite as inspirational as fighting against cancer or something like that, quite the opposite actually. But for people who are pursuing adoption after infertility I think it describes a lot of how we respond and react to situations/ news. Adoption is a significantly different experience for those who cannot have children of their own versus those who can and have. I've encountered some parents who already have children who think it's completely the same, but no way is that true. I've found most people
can't actually place themselves into what it would be like to not have biological children or have to fight and give up complete control for their first child as much as those of us on this path do.

Fighting against hope is sort of this protective, somewhat realistic, mode of thinking that allows us to deal with disappointment and uncertainty. Those adopting after infertility have likely experienced many great disappointments and loss at a physical, emotional, and financial level. Even when we make the decision to move on and let go of certain ideas those experiences still are reflected in how cautious we are about the possibility of being a mother or father.

I think at this point Adam and I are very comfortable and confident in how we will become parents and how our life will be different. Just yesterday we said we couldn't imagine our family pictures not having a Chinese child in them anymore. It's just who we are and the vision we have for our life now. I've let go of a lot of the bitterness and sadness we experienced before and feel like we've risen above it. It took awhile to grow to that point be we eventually got there.

After you have felt your hope be crushed month after month you resist the urge to have hope as self preservation. As we move through each stage of the adoption process you never fully let yourself feel it will workout. It's a weird feeling, you feel relief and hope after every stage is complete but find yourself trying to talk yourself back down to reality.  It's quite an exhausting battle to fight. As we move closer and closer to have a referral it gets to be less and less of a battle and you start to take off some of this armor you have worn.

Hope is starting to win on more and more days, and I kind of like it.