I developed ovarian cysts from the hyperstimulatory drugs I was taking back in late September and we were forced to stop treatment for what ended up being 2 months. We were so angry and frustrated we couldn’t continue. Turns out it was the best thing that could have happened to us.
One piece of advice for couples going through treatment is to take a month off here and there. I know I know…..if someone had told me that during our treatment I would have been like, “who the f**k do you think you are, I’ll decide what’s best for me.”
For once we were forced to take a step back and see things from a more clear, “less babycrazy” perspective. We took a vacation and......
realized for the first time how much of ourselves we had lost in the craziness of trying to have a baby. We realized the uncomfortableness we had developed with our ongoing treatment and with time what we were truly meant to do. We started looking at webinars online and visited different adoption agencies during those two months. We would ask each other every few days whether we were wanting to pursue adoption instead of treatment and each time the other person would say “it’s sounding like a good option, I’m not sure. What do you think?” Turns out both of us wanted to stop treatment and do adoption but it’s hard to be the one to say that first. It was like a 500 pound weight being lifted off when we decided to stop. While I would love the $1,000’s and $1000's of dollars back we spent in vain this is really what we were meant to do and we know we gave having a biological child an attempt. I’ve never been more sure of a decision other than marrying Adam. Adoption isn’t for everyone and everyone has a different stop point for treatment. I make no judgments on others infertility decisions.
We will have a child, in a “special” way. We’ve went to calling other people who have babies the natural way “ordinary.” No offense, it’s a small victory for us. I had to let go of the idea of being pregnant which believe it or not I was excited about in the beginning. It is not an easy thing to do and there will always be part of me that wonders what that would have been like. You can deal with your infertility and loss but just like any loss there will always be moments in our lives that trigger those feelings again. It takes awhile to learn how to deal with those moments.
We have to let go of control over our child’s prenatal care, first year or so, and many other things. It is a definite leap of faith. The reality is our child will have been living in a situation no parent would choose for their child. But.......we get to experience all of the joys of adoption, and there are many. For the first time in a long time we have hope. I can picture that day we walk off the plane in Omaha with our new son or daughter in our arms. It can and will happen. There is nothing else for us to believe.
There are things I will miss having a biologic child but there are no guarantees, even with those that conceive naturally. It used to make me angry that 16 years olds on MTV were allowed to have children and we weren’t. The reality is I wouldn’t trade my situation for many that other parents are in. Overall I’m a pretty lucky person.
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